Bukan mudah. Mencintai seseorang yang kita tak pernah jumpa. Tak tahu asal-usulnya. Tak tahu siapa kawan-kawannya. Siapa ahli keluarganya? Tapi Allah beri peluang kami berkenalan. Bercerita tentang diri masing-masing. He is a nice guy, tick most of my boxes. Mungkin dah lama rasa tak disayangi sebegitu sekali, we have planned everything drastically. Well, it also ended tragically. Ive said I want to get married by this year. I also already planned the date, 22.10.22. Sebab tarikh cantik. Well aku kan. Tak saboooo. Haha. Takut kehilangan.
Komitmen dia memang A+. Bila orang tanya kenapa aku suka dia, sebab komitmen yang dia bagi. Pergi kerja wassep, time rehat wassep. Weekend on call, video call. At one point, he random called me. I REALLY LOVE RANDOM CALL. Means he needs me. He bought me a birthday gift. Actually, I gave him the hint and he understood the assignment. Memang aaaaaaaaaaa this guy was the best! He likes white t-shirt, He loves fruit cake, his fav colour navy blue, his fav brand Carhartt. Dia suka makan kat kedai mamak. Oh ya dia suka boxing. Like I know about this guy a lot kan. He loves to tell me story about him and his life. HE LOVES ABOUT COOKING! That is more important lah. I like cooking and baking but in my own kitchen lah. so I can relate a lot to him.
How he looks like? Tak pernah jumpa. But dia ni kecik je. Maybe tinggi sama je dengan aku. and mata dia sepet!!!!! I like sepet guy lahhhhh!!!!!! Okay now I miss him :'(
As we want to take a step further, we both have planned for our future. Ive agreed to follow him to live in KL. I also want to resign on my current job so this would be a great opportunity for me!!!! Ive already made budget on my financial, he already said how much he needs to prepare. He said okay. He works in Germany before going home for good by this month or next month, which I dont know whether he still stick to his plan or not. I dont share my financial status with him. I dont like to share about it. I just know that I know how to handle it, make a proper financial planning.
Either Im not understand or he didn't understand me, he feels like I'm not as what he expected I should be. He took seriously on my jokes or reassurance. Isnt that needed to ask " do you love me?" or " do you miss me?" sometimes? The way he ask me "do you love me" by asking " do you wanna share the bills when we live together?" I was hesitate. He noticed that as I cant hide it. I said "ok" but the okay was not convincing enough for him. I just feel like I cant with my current financial situation. So Ive decided to clear up some commitment before getting married so I can help him. But he keep asking me the same question, my answer still the same. Because I rely on my current situation. Also Ive been thinking why would you ask me now? Of course I will help him. I already take the risk to love him, I also take the risk to be in ups and down with him.
The root of our problem was we took on this serious matter too rush. Started from the marriage planning. It was my fault. We should meet first and see how it goes. We should get know each other more during this LDR time. An eye opener for me.
It should be a discussion about our relationship. But I was being too emotional. Then, it became worst. It hurts so much. It changed me.
It has been almost 3 months from that day. Means, been almost 3 months didnt talk to him, seeing his face.
Allah really shows me everything what I should change in myself. There is no why anymore. Ive learned my mistakes.
Now, it's either we're meant to be, or only a memory. But I pray only the best for him.
Nak teruskan becerita, but I think I need to stop. Ive used up all my passion haha.
To Muhammad Kamal, thank you.
